I was among the "late crowd" in terms of when I got married within my core group of friends and certainly all of my family. So I was no stranger to the concept of what the first year of marriage might look like. I didn't expect it to be difficult, but I also didn't expect it to be easy. I am honestly not sure what my exact expectations were, but I suppose I wouldn't have been surprised with either outcome. Here is what I have learned this year, as well as some current musings on my mind as of late:

It's Not Just a Cliche

I'll start with something sappy, because, well, this post is about my first year of marriage :) I have read countless posts online and have seen it in the generic quotes about love and have heard it in movies and seen it in books, but it really is true. What is true? The idea that, "I love you more today than I did yesterday." 

It's easy to get carried away with the influx of lovey dovey feelings that carry you into the wedding, through the honeymoon and into that first phase of marriage that is so new and exciting and full of firsts. But what happens when everyday life hits? The love doesn't die, it just changes. And honestly, it's a more "real" kind of love, the kind of love that sustains you through an entire gamut of emotions, challenges, highs, lows, joys, sorrows, frustrations, and baseline everyday living. 

What I have found is that because of these experiences together, I look at Ryan and love him more because of them, not in spite of them. And I imagine this feeling will only continue to compound and grow over time, as it already has in this first year. I still look at him daily and note his ruffled hair or quiet, methodical ways (my sister once accurately said, "Just looking at Ryan is like taking a mood pill," and it's so true!) or the intense laugh lines that show up when he really finds something funny and fall in love again. 

Maybe we are still in our "honeymoon phase," but at any rate, I know genuine love is like wine. It's great at any point, but gets even better with age.

Delayed Homesickness

I grew up in Morton, IL and lived there all of my life (aside from the couple years in college I was in Normal, IL). Central IL is "home" and is really all I knew. Growing up, I was definitely a "home" girl and loved being where I was comfortable surrounded by family and friends.

Once I hit college, I became a bit more adventurous and started to love the idea of traveling. I was able to go to Africa twice on a missionary work team as well as Jamaica, and dreamed of one day visiting other places around the world like Europe and India. I also had fun traveling around the country to places like Arizona and Florida on various occasions with friends and family. I liked the idea of getting to explore new places.

So when Ryan and I started becoming serious relatively quickly, I knew that moving up to Madison, WI was pretty likely. It did not really scare me. I was probably not as affected as I could have been. I knew it was just a few hour's drive away from home and I was staying in the same time zone and weather patterns. It didn't seem that big of a jump.

And it really wasn't, especially at first. I have always loved the idea of "change" and exploring a new area and its culture. I like to discover new places on my own, because there is something exhilarating about being the one to stumble upon a charming coffee shop or street side brunch spot, even if everyone else already knew about it but especially if they didn't. I liked the challenge of learning a new stomping grounds and getting set up with all things new.

This new town charm, with Madison's "little big city" vibe and all it has to offer kept me distracted for almost a year. Until my first set of Christmas holidays hit... and then the reality of living away from "home" came crashing down like a ton of bricks. A lot of the fun holiday events I would normally attend marched right on without me, and a lot of them took place the couple weeks leading up to Christmas, which was unfortunately timed with a busy workload for Ryan. He worked late almost every single night, and I was left laying on the ground by the fireplace reading a book, missing all of my friends and family in Central IL who were together without me. I don't say this for pity's sake, I'm just trying to be real. This was no one's fault; it's just life, and it's life living away from the place you know. I'm stuck in the in-between of my great big social life of friends and family back "home" vs. the "new" life we are creating here, which is still in its beginning stages. It's slow to start and slow to build, but even a year from now, I'll probably look back and be astonished at the people we've met and the places we go.

Living away from "home" will likely always leave me with a twinge of homesickness. I think that's natural. And most of the time, it's doesn't even really bother me. I just found it interesting that it reared its ugly head in December, and in hindsight I am not surprised, as many of the emotions we all experience (whether joys or sorrows, gains or losses) are centered around the holidays.

The Comparison Trap

"Comparison is the thief of joy." (Theodore Roosevelt)

I am never more acutely aware of what I don't have than when I am comparing myself with others. 

I think we can all agree that, based on personal experience, comparing yourself or your life with that of another is a bad thing to do. It is usually pretty fruitless and only leaves you wanting for more. 

So why do we still do it? I think social media is a big player, although I am not a fan of placing a blame on any one thing. I think when it comes down to it, we are largely in control of our own destiny. We know our own personal triggers, and what it takes to avoid being trapped sinking in quicksand. 

For me personally, a one thing that works is to find a few things to be thankful for. Usually it doesn't take much effort to concoct a giant list and start feeling really stupid about how "ungrateful" I'm feeling, since I am largely blessed. I love the verses found in Philippians 4:8, "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things."

Another tactic I use is to journal my prayers. This helps to channel any latent emotional issues into prayers about and for specific people or situations. 

Anticipation, Expectations, & Attitude

The older I get, the more I clearly see the reality of what we are told when we are 5 years old and want our way, "Life isn't fair."

We live in a sinful and broken world, and life on this side of Heaven is not meant to be perfect and constantly full of joy. I believe we get glimpses, and how I love those glimpses. But the greater part of life is spent relying on God's rich supply of grace and His mercies that are new every morning. 

I have always loved to anticipate. I love Christmas Day, but truly for me the best part is the 20-something days leading up to it. Listening to Christmas music, putting up the decor, sipping on peppermint mochas, receiving Christmas cards, shopping for gifts, thinking about being together again with family and friends... the cumulative effect of all of those things is why I love Christmas. The same goes for planning a trip or looking forward to a visit from family and friends. I ride high on the anticipation wave. 

With anticipation comes expectations, sometimes great expectations. And when expectations aren't met, what is my attitude? (But sometimes, expectations are exceeded. I love it when that happens.)

Admittedly, I have been struggling with my attitude lately. I won't sugar coat it. Usually, struggling with this problem is a sure sign that I need more time with the Father, and thankfully, our church is going through the entire Bible this year in an effort to "Love this Book." I have loved getting to read Scripture passages each day and take notes, and I also find writing in my journal very therapeutic.

Ryan and I just took an anniversary trip, and it was fabulous. We had a wonderful time, and if you were to view the photos on Facebook, you would see all the fun places we got to explore and all the delicious food we ate. 

But what those pictures won't tell you is the real life that happened in between the delectable brunch locations, sunny day on the beach, zoo excursions, and visit to the seals. And by "real life" I mainly mean my own attitude towards it. We really only had one nice day of weather (the rest of the days were cloudy, cold or rainy), and I also had terrible allergies the entire time we were there (apparently their allergy seasons runs from Jan. 1 - Dec. 31st-- who knew!!) Both of these things are not enough to hamper a trip, but they are if you let them. And my attitude suffered badly because of these things. I feel like a spoiled 3-year-old admitting to this, but I'm not here to look good, I am here to be honest. We all have things in our life that get to us, that thwart our expectations or bring us down. I wanted to FEEL GOOD on my vacation and I wanted it to be SUNNY! I envisioned long walks on the beach everyday in the warm California sun, and that is not what we were handed. 

On our trip, I asked Ryan if he was disappointed because of the weather and he simply replied, "Sure. To me, vacation means sitting on a hot beach all day and relaxing. But there is nothing I can do about the weather, so why worry about it? Worrying won't change the outcome." 

If I could have just an ounce of his black & white logical brain, I would take it! (Meanwhile, I could be found obsessively checking weather.com, feverishly wishing for it to be wrong!)

However, all of this taught me a great deal about my attitude. I get to choose it. Nobody else has the power to crush it except myself. Here I was, surrounded by a lovely location and wonderful trip and time away from home to spend with my almost-to-be-husband-of-one-year, and all I could do is pout because of the cloudy cold day and curse my runny nose. 

I came home, edited the pictures and posted them online as I usually do, and as I looked through them, I lived our trip again. And I saw just how much I have to be thankful for, and how much fun we had despite the weather. And I realized that how I experience my life is only as good as my response to it, and daily I need God's grace to help me overcome the little disappointments that pop up. The key is to use the new mercies available to me every morning. 

Finding Purpose

My pace of life has drastically changed this year. I went from being "busy girl Taryn," running around at 100 mph from work to photo shoot to family event to friends to jail ministry to getting all caught up on the weekends, and frankly I'm not even sure how I got it all done sometimes. My personality thrives on action though, and I'm so deadline driven that I can be a huge supercharged ball of productivity when the situations calls for it, and in my single life, that was pretty much every day of my life.

My life in Wisconsin is exactly the opposite. It is slow-paced, relaxed, and cozy. I have time to devote to anything I want to do, and my schedule is free to read a good book, work on a fun project, edit photos, keep the laundry caught up and cook good meals every evening. Do you hate me yet?

Single-life-me would have yearned for just one day in married-me's world. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I do love my current situation, but it leaves me with a lot of thinking time, which isn't always necessarily a good thing. I have often pondered my current purpose and how I can be used each day in this season of life. 

While on our anniversary trip, we visited the San Diego Zoo. We went on a safari ride and afterwards, there was a cheetah run that was going to take place in about fifteen minutes. A big crowd had already gathered around the surrounding fence, but luckily, Ryan and I found a good spot. About 2 minutes before the race began, a little old Asian woman approached behind us. I felt her little body trying to inch her way in between Ryan and I, and my immediate response was, "Oh, no you don't! I was here first and reserved this good spot because I got here before you, so now you don't get to take it."

Immediately after having those thoughts of mild irritation towards her, I was appalled at myself. How could I be so unloving? Here is this vertically challenged old lady, undoubtedly 40 to 50 years old than me, trying to get a good view, and all I can think about is HOW DARE SHE. 

I eventually shifted to the left so she could squeeze in a bit more between Ryan and I, but it's not like I turned to her with a big warm smile and hand to her back, and welcomed her in. And it was then that it hit me: Jesus calls us to love without condition, and to embrace opportunities to shine His work in mundane moments, even as this one. And I just blew it.

I often ponder how I can be a better follower of Christ, and how I can make a difference. The problem is that it's like I'm searching for some grandiose opportunity to run away as African missionaries, or adopt a starving street child, or start a charitable photography business for the underprivileged. But God's way of working through us doesn't always come through big acts. More often, He just asks us to be obedient in the everyday measures He hands us. Smiling kindly at the grocery store clerk and asking, "How is your day?" instead of tapping my foot impatiently or checking my phone. Using the opportunity of extra time to bless my husband, offering to take a meal to a family who just had a baby, sending someone an encouraging note, allowing a stranger to cut in line, or being thankful and kind to those who serve us at a restaurant are all ways to show this. And so often, I fail at these beginner level tasks and yet somehow act befuddled when God hasn't written my future life's purpose in the skies. That purpose is literally staring me in the face each and every day; most of the time, I'm just too stuck in my own little world to realize it.

Thus, it all comes back to attitude and a willingness to be present in the moment, whatever that moment brings. Am I embracing my role as a child of God, who is deeply loved, and desiring to show that love to others? And as such, do I recognize those moments when they surround me so blatantly, or am I too busy in search of something more glamorous? 

God is good, and He is full of grace. May He continue to wake me up from my own selfishness when it gets the better of me, and be aware of His power within me that can overcome and be an outpouring of His true love!

1 Year

This year has flown by. The fact that tomorrow marks the day we said, "I do" just 365 days ago is just plain crazy. If I could go back in time, I would totally do it, because that day was full of so much love. I often wish I could visit January 9, 2016 from time to time, push "pause" at different points of it, and just re-live some of those moments. It's the one day where so many people you know and love gather to celebrate you and your new union with another, and I want to talk to each and every one of them and thank them for being there. I want 5 extra minutes to enjoy another piece of cake at my reception, or run around outside in the falling snow. And while I can't do that, I can still look back and be grateful for what that day was. 

In reflection to all that came after that day, I am in awe of our great Creator God who loves us so deeply. I am so thankful for a wonderful first year of marriage, which has taught me much, but yet I still feel as though I haven't even scratched the surface of this whole "marriage" thing. I am daily thankful for Ryan, and who he is to me and what he does for me. Being his wife has honestly been such a pleasure and such a natural process that at times, I wonder if it should be more difficult than it is. He has shown me so much grace and patience this first year of marriage, and his humble, gentle demeanor never ceases to amaze me. I love and always will love his laugh and simple joy for life, and the way he so effortlessly navigates each day with love & logic.

Here is to 1 year in the life of Taryn & Ryan... with many more to come. I can hardly wait to see what God has prepared for us!