I have decided that I love my life.

Well... it has been awhile.

I am now on the other side of holiday cheer, the whirlwind of transitioning into a new business, and my 27th birthday.

My blog always seems to be the place that I feel obligated to be honest. I think it is because I have always, ALWAYS been truthful when I take the time to write. It is like FINALLY at last, all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been swirling around in my head come pouring out. I sometimes don't even know what any of it is until I write it out, and my own hands surprise me with what they type onto the screen.

Strangely, I have been good lately.  I shouldn't say that it is strange-- it is truly a blessing. I often think about the couple of weeks following the split of Imagine Artists, and how I received the unexpected yet amazing outpouring of love and support from all kinds of people. I know now that God put that there for me to look back upon as a vote of confidence from the Lord himself.

However, what follows is real life. God promises to take care of me, but He never promises that it will be easy. A week ago, I was sitting Indian style on the floor of my friend's new studio. We were both looking at each other through tears in our eyes. Those tears were a testament to the hurt and pain we have both suffered as a result of our split, and while I wish I could say it was the last tears either of us will shed over it, I know I would be wrong.

Somehow, though, the hard times spur me into confidence. Not confidence in myself, of course-- but confidence in the Lord. It reminds me to realize that without Him, I fail, and there is no possible way to get through anything difficult without His help. And I am so confident in HIM-- what He can do, who He made me to be, and what He will do with my life.

And it is then that I realize that I have a tremendous responsibility. Those reflections almost always spin me into a forward-thinking motion, gazing at the "big-picture" reality of life and everything that it means. I usually have the sudden urge to book a flight to a third-world country to start a photo-journalistic missionary business, or start serving full-time at a soup kitchen in the south side of Peoria, or take foster classes and adopt 10 children without loving families.

Once I have had a chance to remember that my own life and backyard can be a mission field, I settle in and just open up my hands, reminding myself that God has me exactly where He wants me. I cannot question Him, I cannot drive myself crazing over-analyzing it or predicting what it could mean or what lessons He may be trying to teach me or what amazing adventure He does or does not have up His sleeve next; my one and only job is quite easy. It is simply to rest in His loving-kindness, allow myself to be wrapped in His arms of love, and breathe easy in the confidence He gives me by obeying Him with complete contentment and trust.

It is then that I can truly see my purpose in this life, and it is then that I am reminded that my problems here in life are so futile. It puts my passion into perspective, and it reshapes my day-to-day into a meaningful melody. I love it.

But since I'm all about honesty, I have to admit that lately, I have not been doing any of that. This weekend, one of my very dear friends who is always a breath of fresh air and spiritual insight was telling me about a Bible reading plan she was doing that she thought I would enjoy. It convicted me, because I am not in a place where I am consistently in the Word or even talking to God through prayer. It's not purposeful; it's honestly just me being complacent. I hate it. And I'm going to change it. Now.

Not because it earns me points in Heaven, or because God will give me a gold star. Not because it will make me feel better about myself or show how "spiritual" I am. Not even because it's the right thing to do. But only because by talking and listening to God, I will be paying attention to the best and most important relationship that I have in this life.

Nonetheless, I am happy. I am full of joy. I love my life & everyone in it. And all of that is cause to be thankful.

Thanks for listening to me... I'll try to get back sooner rather than later next time with some fun stuff.

Love you all!

T

I told a friend tonight that life just seems to get harder the older I get.

The light at the end of the tunnel is a crown of wisdom, having one day made it through many life experiences... I hope.

It is OK. This life is not meant to be lived and conquered alone. I shouldn't be able to overcome on my own, and I shouldn't even be able to take credit for the times that are good. God through His Holy Spirit is here to help, and it is through supernatural power that I can accomplish anything profitable.

When I surround myself in His Presence and Truth, I'm good. When I start to doubt or compare or sway, I feel myself shrinking. Naturally.

Tonight I was asked the question, "Am I honestly, genuinely ready to follow the Holy Spirit? What is my motive for wanting Him?"

Um. But if I am ready and my motive is to love others, then I have to be prepared. I have to be willing to see God in little things, to let Him help me love and forgive and show patience and mercy... Daily, to everyone that qualifies. I have to be willing to open up my heart in vulnerability and let my guard down, and sit quietly when He waits and get up and go when He opens a door. I have to find contentment in the moment, joy in each day, and a reason to touch anyone I come in contact with minute by minute. And most of all, my motive most be nothing other than that of love. Because as 1 Corinthians 13 points out, I can do all these things and more, but without love...

In the end, it is about listening, learning, and loving. I am literally a lump of clay in the Master's hands. He recently reshaped me, ever so softly. I rest in peace knowing that God takes care of the details, and He has always taken care of me.

Faith is what I hold onto, and confidence is what I have, why? Because I trust God, and when You trust someone, you can believe they have your best interest at heart and no matter what the outcome, they aren't going to let you down.

For those of you interested in my new exciting creative adventure, feel free to follow my new website and blog:

Www.tarynphotography.net
Www.tarynphotography.blogspot.com

Love you all, be back soon!

T

Yesterday was when it really hit me.

I drove up to the IA studio to drop something off, and there was a "For Rent" sign in the widow.

It has been an interesting journey. I never thought I would see the day that I actually had my own business established downtown with my best friend.

And once I had that dream, I never thought I would see the day that we closed it.

A verse that has been my heartbeat over the past few months is in Ecclesiastes 3... There is a time and purpose for everything. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God handed a successful business to Kristi and I during this season of life for His purposes. I know it, based on the fact that He blessed us so openly every step of the way.

IA has been a dream for both of us, in different ways. Running a business together has taught us more about life, about relationships, and about ourselves than anything else ever could. Now that I am starting to step away from it, it has become more and more evident just how much this business, and my partnership with Kristi, has taught me. I am coming out of this experience a more confident, passionate, responsible, and genuine person.

Kristi and I had many good times, and like any relationship, there was bound to be difficulty, especially given how different we both are. Imagine Artists was who it was because of our blended personalities and talents, and that equaled a beautiful thing, that under the best of circumstances, worked.

IA isn't closing because we didn't have a good thing going. Business was going well. If I had to tell you one reason why, I couldn't. It is the culmination of many years of laughter, goodness, sadness, tears, and hard work. All I can really say is that even now, I can already look back and see how God used this amazing time in our lives to shape us each into someone better, and that "someone better" in each of us will find our new journeys and touch others in more impactful ways because of how we affected one another.

Throughout this entire process, my personal testimony is that God has never shown Himself more clearly and dearly in my life. I am nothing but thankful.

He has appeared in my friends and my family. He has appeared in phone calls and notes and letters. He has appeared in encouraging words spoken to me daily by any given person, and He has appeared to me in the peace of my heart. He has given me a smile of joy each day, and an excitement and passion to carve out my new path of purpose for the future.

I have no idea how that looks at this point. All I desire to do now is to forge ahead with what I have, and be obedient.

So far, this has taken me to a free-lance part time position in graphic design at an ad agency in Pekin. When I'm not helping out there, I am currently wrapping up clients and projects with IA as I transition out, and having fun setting up a new photography venture for the future. More details to come in a little while.

I would like to close with saying that I truly love and cherish IA, and Kristi's partnership as a best friend and also a business owner. God has given me an amazing blessing from each... Makes me think of James 1. Every good gift comes from above... Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I need and when I need it. Thanks for giving me the passion to pursue, the stamina to keep going, and the courage to conquer.

May His work be done... That He who has begun a good work in me can carry it out!

Love you all. Be back soon.

T

I am going through the fire.

But do you want to know what I told my ladies at jail last week?

"Count it ALL JOY when you fall into various trials."

James 1... my favorite.

That's what I told them. And I felt like a hypocrite the whole time.

But if anyone understands... they do. Count it all joy to... be in jail? My situation pales in comparison to their circumstances, and the environment in which put them there.

More is happening that I can translate into words right now. So for now, I'll stay vague and instead share what God has been doing for me so far through this.

The Lord isn't required to make this easy for me. He isn't expected to reach out and SHOW ME that His arms are wrapped around me. He wouldn't have to touch me through others.

But He is. And for that, I want to cry. His Love never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. In fact, this whole week has been difficult... probably one of the toughest so far. Up until now, my emotions have been kept in check. I have been dry-eyed and objective. Very un-Taryn. Another miracle I credit to God... He has been my strength through this all.

And the week that I start to crash, He proved His love for me in all of this... TWICE.

Last night, I was at church, excited to hear a topical study on the Holy Spirit. I had taken a seat by the elder's wife.

As were were singing the second to last song before beginning the sermon, my thoughts were a thousand miles away. My brain was cloudy and foggy. I came back to life when she leaned over to me and pointed to the words we had sung.

"This makes me think of you," she said.

I looked at her and then the words on the page, trying to focus on what she was pointing at. I couldn't, though. I couldn't read the words because my eyes were blurry with tears. Through blur, I saw two words: God's promise.

I couldn't tell you the song it was, but I can tell you what she whispered to me in those few precious moments.

She told me that God loves me, and that His promises are true. That He will get me through and be my strength. And that I should believe her, because it is coming from someone who has been tried a time or two.

Tears continued to stream down my cheeks as I silently thanked her over and over for sharing those thoughts with me.

Then, there was tonight.

I was busy on my computer, working on some things, when my phone rang.

I have made it a new habit to ALWAYS answer my phone, even if I don't know the phone number. I glanced at the incoming call and noticed it was an Arizona #. It was not a phone # that I recognized, but I answered it, anyway.

"Hi Taryn," came the voice on the other end, and then she told me who she was.

It was an amazing girl I met in Phoenix about 3 years ago when I took a bunch of my girl friends out to stay at my aunt & uncle's. She had a pool day with us, and we had a lot of fun with her. I kept in touch with her via Facebook, but other than that, I had not talked to her in a couple years.

The words she said next sent chills through my body.

"I just wanted to call you and tell you that for some reason, you have been on my heart over the past few weeks. I just keep thinking about you-- I can't get you off my mind."

In that moment, it was as if God had reached down and put me in the palm of His hand.

The tears came again, but I pushed them back. What went on for the next 10-15 minutes was a beautiful phone call. An unexpected, totally random, yet TOTALLY God-given call from an acquaintance I had not talked to in a couple years.

We talked about what I was going through right now-- unbeknownst to her. All she knew is that I was on her heart, and I needed her prayers. I told her that God is amazing and that He had me on her heart for a reason.

We chatted about our time of life, and about how we were getting along. We talked about how God is faithful, and how God is good.

I could not thank her enough for taking the time to call me. She may never know how much that meant to me.

If I have learned anything over the past few days, it is that God allows us ALL to go through trials at some point, so we can thereby comfort those who need comfort. That has been proven to me two days in a row now.

Thank you to a God who is so much bigger than me, my world, and my circumstances. Thanks to a God that loves me in spite of my weakness, and in fact is STRONG in my weakness. Thanks to a God that never fails me, no matter how many times I fail Him. And thanks to a God who is my Creator, who made me for a purpose, and has placed His purpose of Love in my heart.

Love you all,

T

There is a lot on my mind tonight... and to write a deep blog post at this point would be dangerous.

Very dangerous.

So I shall tread in safer waters... for now.

First, my picture.


Those are my nieces. They are beautiful and I love them. From L-R:
Lola Mae: The blonde beauty with a soft heart.
Naomi Tasha: Spunky & sweet.
Sophia Richelle: We call her the "diva." She can dance better than me!
Tillie Sue: Energetic and smart and a candy-holic.
Sylvia Ann: 2 (or 3 now??) going on 20.

Anyway, there you have it-- the female representation in Kaiser grandchildren so far. Time will only tell how many I will contribute!

Onto other things...

Lately:

1) I have developed an extreme dislike of high fructose corn syrup. While I have decided not to take a vegetarian lifestyle, I have definitely added it into my eating habits as much as possible, and with that comes a lot of other education concerning my aspiring "health-nut" status. Which includes all of the anti-sugar articles about how white sugar may as well be a drug. And even worse: high fructose corn syrup, which can be found in pretty much everything we eat that is packaged or processed, but the obvious culprits would be soda & candy.

Anyway, I know that coming from me, this may be shocking, especially considering that my motto has always been "Always save room for dessert." I am not against a dessert here and there (or a Starbucks frapp, especially when I have earned my 15th star and get a free one!), but I just feel it should be eaten in moderation. Furthermore, a lot of the products we think may be "healthy" are actually not healthy. And if you're going to enjoy something sweet, at least make sure it's the real deal-- made with REAL sugar.  It's not ideal, but it's better than the alternative (the deadly HFCS!) Or, a sliced peach or banana + peanut butter can do the trick, and it's a much healthier snack! (Another trick is using a healthy sweetener-- like honey. Goes delicious with a lot of things!)

P.S. This has only solidified further my 5-years-running soap box on my dislike of diet soda!!! (Sorry to all my diet-drinking friends...) (It also may be noted that I do have some cans of Pepsi underneath my sink and I drink one from time to time with my popcorn. HOWEVER, it is Pepsi Throwback... made with real sugar :)

2) I consume wayyyyy too much popcorn. BUT. A healthy way to enjoy this snack (and thus it is justified in my mind):

*I use organic white popping kernels from King Farms.

*I make it over the stove top with neutral-tasting coconut oil. (I have since learned that extra virgin olive oil is best enjoyed at room temperature for full health benefits, and it oxidizes at temperatures needed to cook popcorn in it, so coconut oil is a healthier choice because it can withstand higher temperatures!)

*I season it with sea salt.

TOTALLY justifies eating a ginormous bucket of it every single night.

....Right?

3) Enough on food... I went bowling tonight and scored a 99. There is a reason I never joined a bowling league... although my childhood best friend's dad owned a bowling alley... I guess it didn't really ever pay off.

4) Lily, my cat, found my sock puppet stuffed animal and removed her from my book shelf. I find it laying around in random places in my house. She likes to attack it when she's in a playful mood, or she just carries it around in her mouth.

She is also quite the hunter. She spots every single bug that gets into my house and even leaps into the air (she is a VERY good jumper!) and catches them. She swats them to the ground and bats them around until they die.

She also caught a mouse from our studio basement a month or so ago. It was so gross.

Meanwhile, my house will be rodent and insect-free as long as she is around!

5) I should go to bed.

Love you all!

T

A few months ago, Kristi approached me about meeting with some well-known photographers in the area. She was nervous.

"I can't imagine getting in contact with them," she told me. "Why would they want to meet with us?"

Her anxiety was apparent. But we wanted to do it, because we thought they could be a tremendous help to us and our business.

They are extremely successful photographers in their business. While they are a couple I have always known about and admired, I hadn't looked up to them as long as Kristi had. To her, meeting them would be like a young college basketball player meeting Michael Jordan.

She took the first step in getting in touch with them.

A couple of weeks later, we met and had lunch with a wedding planner. She was a huge encouragement in our life, and she suggested that we also meet with this couple.

However, we had heard nothing.

And often, silence can be interpreted as a "Leave me alone," or "No," or "I'm too busy to reply." We often jump to negative conclusions when there is no response.

"Do I dare contact them again?"

I told her, Yes.

She did, and we heard back from the husband of their team, almost immediately. As it turned out, they had not received our initial message.

Kristi and him started exchanging messages and planned to get together. However, he was in the middle of a busy time, and said he would get in touch when it slowed down a bit.

That happened to be 2 months later. Not a big deal, but it was a bit of a wait. Yet, we had no idea how the Lord used that timetable in His perfect way.

On a warm summer morning, Kristi and I stepped into Thirty-Thirty Coffee in Peoria and ordered drinks. We sat at a table, and pretty soon, he arrived.

I thought it would just be him. But she came, too.

He was tall and scruffy, friendly & warm. She was quiet and beautiful and captivating.

It is funny, meeting with people that you have never met, for the first time. Our intent was to get professional business advice from them-- how did they work together? How did they create such a successful business?

So we started off with the talking. Kristi looked to me, as I am usually the one to give the synopsis on "our story."

I gave a brief and somewhat surface story of our business history. It was meager at best; trite, at worst.

After my little performance, he looked to her and said, "Do you want to start?"

This is when it got good.

It was, like I later told Kristi, as if God sent them as angels to us. For such a time as this, He knew what we needed.

The next 2-3 hours were spent talking about God. She told us their story. Their success, their struggles, their sadness, their celebrations. She was vulnerable, and honest, and lovely. She did not sugar coat, but she told us the truth in love.

She told us about the "glacier." When we see a glacier, we see the 10% that sticks out of the water. What we don't see is the 90% underneath. Most people live their lives in the10%-- which is what most people see. Yet the 90% is neglected... even though it is the most important part. Because without the foundation, the inner workings, the thoughts and feelings and values and beliefs of that 90%-- there would be no 10%. Yet the 10% is all we ever let anyone see.

She told us about asking honest questions. What makes me sad? What makes me angry? What makes me nervous? What does God say about these feelings?

She told us how her and husband allowed their business to take over their lives. They exchanged good family life, a meaningful marriage, friends, and faith for a successful business. To others, the 10% looked good. But for them and their personal lives, the 90% was neglected.

She told us to be real. To be honest. To be open... to examine what God has done, why He has brought us here, and what He wants us to do.

Kristi sobbed. I sat quietly.

He was a lot like me, emotionally. She was a lot like Kristi, in terms of personality. It was so important to hear their story and see how God brought them through it.

She suggested reading a book, called, "I Quit."

At the end, we all held hands and they prayed for us.

It was like a miniature missions trip... in the middle of a coffee store. Neither Kristi nor I wanted to leave, for fear the joy of the Lord that had been in that place on that morning would leave us.

Kristi immediately bought the book and read it quickly. It helped bring a lot to light. She told me I would benefit from it greatly, and she ordered a copy for me. I read it, and loved it.

The premise of the book is to "quit" living life in such a way that is harmful. Quit being afraid of what others think. Quit lying. Quit dying to the wrong things. Quit denying anger, sadness, and fear. Quit blaming. Quit overfunctioning. Quit faulty thinking.

And quit living someone else's life.

There is no such thing as two people who are the same. In fact, even similar people are often quite different from one another. Which makes those that are different to begin with that much more separate. Kristi and I have learned that... in some ways... the hard way.

Because of differences and because life is so hard, we tend to adopt habits and ways of thinking that are unhealthy. They are defense mechanisms; they are crippling; and they will eventually kill our soul. This book helps to identify those areas and to show us that we can QUIT them.

And in quitting, we become free.

Free to be ourselves. Free to be who God made us to be. Free to rediscover who that person is, and live life in that way.

It is a book I would highly recommend to anyone, because even if you get through life pretty good, I guarantee there are a couple of areas in which every person needs to "quit."

This has been an interesting journey and I cannot wait to see how God continues to show me how to quit the bad and to continue the good.

Love you all!

T